i'm going to be 27 years old in less than 2 months. that's so scary! so close to 30 years old. my mom was 28 when i was born. i just remember how old i thought she was growing up. i don't ever want my kids to see me as old, but it's inevitable.
just got back from d.c. on friday night and fell so in love with the city. for once, i could see myself living somewhere i visit. the traffic was hellish, but i can't wait to go back some day. sadly, i didn't realize until i was there that i was soooo close to bobby and adam. 2 hours away from both. technically, i had the time to drive to either place. i would have sacrificed sleep to have seen either of them, but too hard to choose between the 2. adam is MIA, though, so maybe it wouldn't have been that hard.
things between steven and i are so good. i haven't talked about it a lot when i write, but i guess it's because it's assumed or something. we're such good friends though. we rely on each other, we do well when we're not in the same city - instantly becoming independent and self-sufficient, and we actually enjoy the time we spend together. it's nice to say that after almost 6 years that we're still weirdly in love. i still look at him every morning when we kiss goodbye and wonder what in the world a kid as handsome as him is doing with me.
leaving to go to florida tomorrow for 3 days to shoot b-roll footage. then i'll come home for 2 days and head out again. san diego sunday through thursday. i have to wear khaki pants tuesday night. i feel so butch in khaki. awesome.
my sister should have her baby any day now - a little girl - and i'll head out to atlanta. have to go mid-march anyway for a journalist/media conference, so maybe timing will work out well.
listen to me ... i sound like i'm 30+ already. reading back to LJ posts from 5 years ago makes me so embarrassed, but so jealous too. i'm such a granny now. settled, nesting, choosing to stay in on friday nights and sometimes i even fall asleep sitting up. who cares though ... i'm pretty happy.
i haven't signed onto multiple internet applications in over a month. today, i signed onto AIM for the first time in i have no idea how long. i have things categorized in the same way i did when i used to frequently use AIM like 5 years ago. i have a "<3" section, which apparently has 5 people in it. I have a "NY" section, an "ATL" section, a "goldfriends" section, and a "blah" section. of course no one is online - or everyone is idle. i see a name in my "<3" section and don't recognize the name, but i figure if they were put into my "<3" section that i love them a whole lot. so, i spend 10 minutes realizing that it's an old random screen name that i built years ago that somehow got linked to the name i usually use. smart. that's how lonely i was. i spent 10 minutes trying to talk to myself.
steven is in school until 10:30 on monday and wednesday nights now. i still don't do very well without a warm body next to me.
yesterday, i found two very important people who i'd lost touch with for quite some time. the wonders of the internet...
one was the first "boyfriend" i ever had - as babies, we grew up a few houses down from each other and our moms were best friends. nearly every baby picture of me has him in it. we've spent 2 days writing novels back to each other catching up on our whole lives.
the second was my friend derek james from the victory records chat room i used to go to when i was 15/16. the kids i met in that chat are still some of the most awesome people i've ever met in my whole life. by using a search engine and looking for "punk chat," you were directed to the victory records chat room. i'd never seen a chat room before. we had super slow dial-up and i wasn't really sure how email worked yet. i used to sit on that chat room after school for hours. we'd all mail each other mix tapes. we mailed photos and traded books. sometimes we'd talk on the phone. i met many in person years later. i kissed a few. i still keep in touch with most. but derek was amazing... one of the only people who i just felt this amazing friendship with and whose innocence i loved. we'd talk on the phone about his love for a girl at his school who he was too scared to talk to. he made her a mix tape and sent it to me instead - with her name on the tape label - because he was too scared to give it to her. i hated boys after going through a messy breakup with my 2-year high school boyfriend, but he renewed my faith because he was scared and trusting and humble. he's in 2 bands now: 1 on the label Secretly Canadian (home of Antony & the Johnsons, damien jurado, jens lekman, etc...) - "David Vandervelde" and another with ex-members of The Convocation Of... and Zwan - "Entrance" (/the entrance band)... so, there goes the 10 degrees of separation that i'd always hoped to keep far away from with billy corgan. anyway, he is still amazing. still sweet and humble and caring.
i've traveled a lot lately with my new job. nyc earlier this month, miami earlier this week, chicago in a couple of weeks. san diego early in 2009, and again a couple of months later. seattle, san jose, austin, and maybe philly (!!) next year already on my calendar... i'm sure something else will come up for december, too. it's so nice getting to travel on someone else's buck. staying in hotels i could never otherwise afford, catching up on phone calls, listening to crazed philadelphia street life 1,000 miles away while looking out over the lights of downtown miami. incidentally, i hated miami.
i hope steven comes home any minute before i have the chance to wallow any further into self pity.
in all the bitching, i probably forgot to mention that i got the job i wanted. PR coordinator for Hilton now - specifically Embassy Suites and Homewood Suites. pretty psyched about it. i start on monday, so i'm pretty nervous, too.
going to the zoo today with my mom and 2 un-biological nephews. my mom has these neighbors who are incredible and they have 6 kids (pregnant with the 7th "final" child). it's pretty much a zoo over at their house, but their kids are unbelievable. we're taking the 2 youngest boys today - sam and jackson - and i can't wait to see it through their eyes.
their 3rd youngest, lydia, whispered the most adorable thing about steven in my mom's ear while steven and i were driving away last year. "she's got herself one fine man." he had just taken her skateboarding for the afternoon and she fell down. he carried her home on his back. she's 6.
here are my goals for 2008:
-improve self confidence and subsequently spent time with more people outside of my house
-remember to be thankful for a job
-take time to enjoy the small things
-take the dog walking more
-remember what judge andrews said: "would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?"
-be a better sister.
found out yesterday that my high school boyfriend died last week.
it's such a weird feeling when someone your own age dies. is it strange to mourn someone you don't even known anymore?
i'll be 26 in 6 days.
i'll be a wife in 41 days.
i will have lived in this house as a homeowner for a year as of 49 days from today.
penny will be a year old in 2 days.
bastian will have been dead for one year in 1 day.
i hate spring so much. i love the weather, but i associate so much sadness with this time of year. it's weird how temperature changes and the way it makes your skin feel... the smells and sounds that go along with it... can trigger such unhappy thoughts just as winter is starting to go away and the weather feels so perfect outside.
i'm trying to make sure that good events in my life happen in the spring. steven just turned 25 last weekend. we got penny, we bought a house. i started a new (amazingggggg) job and next month i'll marry someone who i still don't even feel like i deserve to have like i do. it's crazy to feel like you'd never be the person you want to be without someone else. he makes me want to be so much better and yes, i'd live without him, but i like who i am SO much better because of him.
on the 16th of may, we'll go to savannah and settle in for a couple of days. we'll be married on the 18th and spend some time with friends and family before leaving for sanfrancisco on tuesday the 20th. we'll arrive home on the 25th of may - the same day we moved into this house 1 year ago.
24 was a sad, hard year.
25 was full of events, but with the most horrible job i've ever had in my life.
26 will turn spring into a good thing again.
hope everybody's doing well.
after doing nothing for the last week other than watching the Perfect Strangers season 1 and 2 box set, i am happy to have found something on youtube satisfactory in celebrating my lack of accomplishments.
just kidding about the lack of accomplishments. i was offered a job this week as a communications specialist. writing internal and external communications, designing all of their banners/flyers/etc., photography and videography and post-production. finalllyyyy....
i made the phonecalls and sent in the paperwork today to secure our wedding spot and the officiate for may 18th in savannah.
i can't believe that we've been engaged now for a year and 5 months and i just couldn't bring myself to decide what i wanted, make it solid, and go through with it. maybe i was scared of losing a piece of my youth or something? that is so ridiculous. with or without the title of marriage, we have bought a house together and we are unbelievably in love. we've been together now for 5 years come june. what in the world could i possibly be scared of other than not having him next to me to help me with everything for the rest of my life?
so, we'll be in savannah for 4 days and then san fransisco for 5 days. our immediate family will be there and it will be small and not too much hype, but rememberable. i wish i hadn't panicked about this for the last year and a half and just buckled down to do it. it's the right time, though. i've learned so much about myself and our relationship in that year and a half that has made me so certain of what i'm doing. i'm not scared anymore or hesitant about being MARRIED. married. it still sounds so weird, but once the weirdness goes away it'll be just how it is now only we'll have a piece of paper.
so, bob nanna from braid has lymphoma as of early 2006 and has been undergoing chemo? yah.
i was reading his blog today.. thought this was cute:
"What does that title mean? You'll never guess. I was in consideration to be a "coach" for an episode of that MTV show Made. A young man would like to be a rockstar. I had to laugh. They don't want me for this! I was never a rockstar nor will I ever be a rockstar as this kid wants to be a rockstar. I'm assuming this young man isn't interested in playing basements and touring/breaking down in vans from here to Albuquerque, so I would be horribly miscast. They need a coach who can help him with his makeup and his stage moves and his video presence. I can maybe help him learn to sing but shit, do you even have to know that to be a rockstar? Nope. So I said thanks but no thanks. They went with the singer of Yellowcard, which is a much better choice. Makes for better TV."
he has no idea i almost married him.