Current mood:

depressed

we lost our baby...
we had to put my baby to sleep yesterday morning. it was the hardest day of my life and i don't know how much harder today will be.

friday afternoon, bastian attacked my mom's face for no reason. he was just laying there, asleep, and he screamed and started clawing and attacking her face. if she hadn't had her glasses on, he would have gone straight for her eyes. blood was everywhere and he jumped down and sunk to his belly and knew what he'd done. i know how sad he's always been... how malcontent over everything, how anxious and scared... it just got to a point where he couldn't control it anymore.

i will forver be thankful to this cat for saving my life. he was the first pet i ever had and he gave me something that relied on me and trusted me during a point in my life where i was living for nothing. i knew that because he was so difficult, his life wouldn't go on without me in it. i lived for him for so long... until i met steven and found that same comfort with him. bastian was so angry and sad all of the time... so desperate for love - always seeking it out and trying to make friends and feeling so empty when he couldn't ever make anything feel quite right. his health was suffering because of it and the doctors were saying that they were afraid to treat him because of the stress it was causing him and the physical harm it put them in the way of. he was unpredictable and even though i feel like we had to do this... because i'm sure we couldn't have just waited for it to happen again... if you know me, you know that this was my baby. he made me selfless and i would soften up just thinking about how i could make his life a little easier.

i know it was a cat... but it wasn't, i promise. he knew me. he knew when i was crying and when i was sad and you could see how hard he'd try to make it better. i just couldn't communicate with him... i couldn't do what he needed to make it better. anti-depressants did nothing but make him extremely overweight and he'd still walk around the house crying all through the night.

i think he died within days, whichever way, of his 8th birthday. in may, i would have had him for 8 years. i have loved him unconditionally all that time, looked forward to seeing his little face at the top of the stairs when i got home at night, tolerated him sucking on my shirt because he was anxious and lonely and was weaned too early and just needed to feel eupohoric for a minute and knew him like no one else could. he was truly my child and i feel so torn feeling like i chose when to take his life away... what right was that of mine? i feel so guilty and miss him so much. i keep thinking i see him and i reach over to pet atreyu and think it's him until i feel the difference. i keep thinking i hear him.

he's buried at my parents house... i know we did the most humane thing we could have done but it's tearing me up inside. that cat loved me when no one else in the world felt right to me. he gave me something to look forward to, someone to talk to, someone to trust.... and he loved me unconditionally - no matter how few friends i had, what horrible phase i went through, no matter what city i moved to or what boyfriend i'd had (or lost)... he was the best constant in my life for so long. and i will forever miss and love him.


sebastian
march/april 1999-april 7, 2007