Current mood:

lonely

took a necessary step back today into becoming "unengaged."

sounds more severe than it is. really, it was just necessary to feeling like ourselves again. i'm afraid this was rushed into - regardless of a 3.5 year dating period.

i found myself acting like an asshole to everyone i love, stressing every minute of the day, panicking for absolutely no reason... all over the title of being someone's wife.

it didn't fit me for now. someday it will, but not now.

i'm sad and a little disoriented - half from this and half from bobby leaving this morning. we'd gone a year without seeing each other but talking nearly every day - then one week around my best friend makes me wish that life would always have him in it, in person. so - overall a scary day. no more scary than how things had been feeling, though.

i just needed to step back and breathe again and feel like me insead of something else that just didn't feel right. i hate telling people that this has happened, but it has. i'm not sure what my problem is but i know something is wrong when the idea of committing to the most perfect person in the entire world scares me so much. i've obviously got some things to work past but i didn't want to work through them and leave him hanging all that time. i've got to handle this one on my own and not take a huge step until i've got it all sorted out.

i thought i'd feel more like myself once this was over but i feel horrible right now. here's hoping that the next week back to routine will make things feel less terrible.