so, this is where i was a little less than 4 years ago...
how can you honestly say that you're content with me? [16 Mar 2003|02:48am]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | engine down: intent to pacify... ]
i'm so sleeeeepy.
when i was sitting at the top of her stairs, it felt like i was there for such a long time. i looked at the picture of her on the swing when she was little - roaring like a tiger, her eyes electric, her hair in a mass of movement behind her. i thought about if she'd been sad even then, if that swing was an escape, if that roar was from laughter or suffocation.
i noticed the sides of the carpet on the stairs where they met the wall ... how some pieces were jagged, spaced before they touched the wall. i took deep breaths. i listened to her mom watching comedy central in the living room. i thought about how the bottom of my shirt wasn't touching the top of my pants and how i could feel the air on my back.
i thought about the lighting in her room. the dampness. the walls closing in. the bed unmade. the paper and pictures and books and clothing scattered on the floor. i thought of him in there, suffocated by those things but by her most of all.
sam = drunk
brian = drunk
lee = drunk
charlie = says he wasn't drunk
me = wishing i'd joined the club.
so, when lee is drunk he has the sniffles. he lays on floors, he talks for minutes upon minutes about desserts - not deserts. vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, strawberries, strawberry shortcake, and root beer. "what, you're not in the mood for dessert?" "you're drunk." "well, if i weren't drunk, and you were in the mood for dessert, i'd buy you dessert." he is drunk and he likes lionel ritchie's "say you, say me" and the only smile i gave tonite was over hearing those four words belted out by a boy who's usually too shy to tell me much of anything at all. the thought alone was good enough ... execution (death by lionel ritchie?) of the idea of singing the only 4 words of the song he knew made me feel a lot better. broke the tension of the night. made me smile. stopped my crying.
someone search around the internet and find me friends in syracuse before i move there.
i had spent the night sitting at the top of the stairs of a girl who honestly hated me at that time... and i can remember, even though i knew she and i shouldn't be friends... that i genuinely cared if she was okay. i wanted her to want to live even though i didn't want to be in her life. a month later i met bobby and then steven. i can't believe how important they both became so fast.
the other night i was on my stomach on the bed with my face buried in the pillow crying... and i realized that i still had the ability to cry 100% for another person. i regret a lot of things and i don't feel like i'm really living my life to it's fullest. but i know what life is. i know what it's capable of. i make small steps every single day to like myself a little bit better.
when i wrote that entry, i had no idea what was waiting for me in syracuse. i didn't know that i'd meet my future - husband, best friend, comfort, loss of a best friend (mary). i didn't realize i'd be full-circle 4 years later... wondering why every single best friend i've ever had hates their life. i know i'm not in control of anyone around me. i can't make everything better or solve any problems. i'm my mom re-created and i both love and hate that so much sometimes... but i'm never going to hate the fact that i still have the ability to feel more for other people just as much as i feel for myself.
i remember a couple of weeks before i moved to syracuse... sitting in mary's car with her after she came into starbucks all blotchy and tear-stained and in a panic. she sat there saying she couldn't do it... not just moving, not just school... but life in general. i feel now like she was so close to just spilling her entire past. i found all of that out just this year through email. now that she's been featured in a book and documentary that i don't feel are 100% truth. her past is unimaginable. and there i was, her friend, completely unknowing... she was the most "normal" friend i'd ever had on the outside. it just goes to show everybody's got it a little worse than everybody else.
i just can't believe i'm sitting here.... almost 25.... embarrassed about how cliche my writing was 4 years ago, weirded out about how much it still is today... and with no clue about where my life is going and who my friends are. i thought i'd have it figured out by now, but i just feel blank over the whole thing and for thinking that 4 years later, something would have changed.