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also, freaks and geeks is the greatest show EVER. [16 Feb 2009|06:54pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

i'm going to be 27 years old in less than 2 months. that's so scary! so close to 30 years old. my mom was 28 when i was born. i just remember how old i thought she was growing up. i don't ever want my kids to see me as old, but it's inevitable.

just got back from d.c. on friday night and fell so in love with the city. for once, i could see myself living somewhere i visit. the traffic was hellish, but i can't wait to go back some day. sadly, i didn't realize until i was there that i was soooo close to bobby and adam. 2 hours away from both. technically, i had the time to drive to either place. i would have sacrificed sleep to have seen either of them, but too hard to choose between the 2. adam is MIA, though, so maybe it wouldn't have been that hard.

things between steven and i are so good. i haven't talked about it a lot when i write, but i guess it's because it's assumed or something. we're such good friends though. we rely on each other, we do well when we're not in the same city - instantly becoming independent and self-sufficient, and we actually enjoy the time we spend together. it's nice to say that after almost 6 years that we're still weirdly in love. i still look at him every morning when we kiss goodbye and wonder what in the world a kid as handsome as him is doing with me.

leaving to go to florida tomorrow for 3 days to shoot b-roll footage. then i'll come home for 2 days and head out again. san diego sunday through thursday. i have to wear khaki pants tuesday night. i feel so butch in khaki. awesome.

my sister should have her baby any day now - a little girl - and i'll head out to atlanta. have to go mid-march anyway for a journalist/media conference, so maybe timing will work out well.

listen to me ... i sound like i'm 30+ already. reading back to LJ posts from 5 years ago makes me so embarrassed, but so jealous too. i'm such a granny now. settled, nesting, choosing to stay in on friday nights and sometimes i even fall asleep sitting up. who cares though ... i'm pretty happy.

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[29 Oct 2008|09:56pm]
i haven't signed onto multiple internet applications in over a month. today, i signed onto AIM for the first time in i have no idea how long. i have things categorized in the same way i did when i used to frequently use AIM like 5 years ago. i have a "<3" section, which apparently has 5 people in it. I have a "NY" section, an "ATL" section, a "goldfriends" section, and a "blah" section. of course no one is online - or everyone is idle. i see a name in my "<3" section and don't recognize the name, but i figure if they were put into my "<3" section that i love them a whole lot. so, i spend 10 minutes realizing that it's an old random screen name that i built years ago that somehow got linked to the name i usually use. smart. that's how lonely i was. i spent 10 minutes trying to talk to myself.

steven is in school until 10:30 on monday and wednesday nights now. i still don't do very well without a warm body next to me.

yesterday, i found two very important people who i'd lost touch with for quite some time. the wonders of the internet...

one was the first "boyfriend" i ever had - as babies, we grew up a few houses down from each other and our moms were best friends. nearly every baby picture of me has him in it. we've spent 2 days writing novels back to each other catching up on our whole lives.

the second was my friend derek james from the victory records chat room i used to go to when i was 15/16. the kids i met in that chat are still some of the most awesome people i've ever met in my whole life. by using a search engine and looking for "punk chat," you were directed to the victory records chat room. i'd never seen a chat room before. we had super slow dial-up and i wasn't really sure how email worked yet. i used to sit on that chat room after school for hours. we'd all mail each other mix tapes. we mailed photos and traded books. sometimes we'd talk on the phone. i met many in person years later. i kissed a few. i still keep in touch with most. but derek was amazing... one of the only people who i just felt this amazing friendship with and whose innocence i loved. we'd talk on the phone about his love for a girl at his school who he was too scared to talk to. he made her a mix tape and sent it to me instead - with her name on the tape label - because he was too scared to give it to her. i hated boys after going through a messy breakup with my 2-year high school boyfriend, but he renewed my faith because he was scared and trusting and humble. he's in 2 bands now: 1 on the label Secretly Canadian (home of Antony & the Johnsons, damien jurado, jens lekman, etc...) - "David Vandervelde" and another with ex-members of The Convocation Of... and Zwan - "Entrance" (/the entrance band)... so, there goes the 10 degrees of separation that i'd always hoped to keep far away from with billy corgan. anyway, he is still amazing. still sweet and humble and caring.

i've traveled a lot lately with my new job. nyc earlier this month, miami earlier this week, chicago in a couple of weeks. san diego early in 2009, and again a couple of months later. seattle, san jose, austin, and maybe philly (!!) next year already on my calendar... i'm sure something else will come up for december, too. it's so nice getting to travel on someone else's buck. staying in hotels i could never otherwise afford, catching up on phone calls, listening to crazed philadelphia street life 1,000 miles away while looking out over the lights of downtown miami. incidentally, i hated miami.

i hope steven comes home any minute before i have the chance to wallow any further into self pity.
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[10 Sep 2008|06:43pm]
loveeee my job.
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would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy? [05 Sep 2008|12:48pm]
in all the bitching, i probably forgot to mention that i got the job i wanted. PR coordinator for Hilton now - specifically Embassy Suites and Homewood Suites. pretty psyched about it. i start on monday, so i'm pretty nervous, too.

going to the zoo today with my mom and 2 un-biological nephews. my mom has these neighbors who are incredible and they have 6 kids (pregnant with the 7th "final" child). it's pretty much a zoo over at their house, but their kids are unbelievable. we're taking the 2 youngest boys today - sam and jackson - and i can't wait to see it through their eyes.

their 3rd youngest, lydia, whispered the most adorable thing about steven in my mom's ear while steven and i were driving away last year. "she's got herself one fine man." he had just taken her skateboarding for the afternoon and she fell down. he carried her home on his back. she's 6.

here are my goals for 2008:
-improve self confidence and subsequently spent time with more people outside of my house
-remember to be thankful for a job
-take time to enjoy the small things
-take the dog walking more
-remember what judge andrews said: "would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?"
-be a better sister.
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[03 Sep 2008|01:20pm]
found out yesterday that my high school boyfriend died last week.

it's such a weird feeling when someone your own age dies. is it strange to mourn someone you don't even known anymore?
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countdown. [06 Apr 2008|09:08pm]
[ mood | thankful ]

i'll be 26 in 6 days.
i'll be a wife in 41 days.
i will have lived in this house as a homeowner for a year as of 49 days from today.
penny will be a year old in 2 days.
bastian will have been dead for one year in 1 day.

i hate spring so much. i love the weather, but i associate so much sadness with this time of year. it's weird how temperature changes and the way it makes your skin feel... the smells and sounds that go along with it... can trigger such unhappy thoughts just as winter is starting to go away and the weather feels so perfect outside.

i'm trying to make sure that good events in my life happen in the spring. steven just turned 25 last weekend. we got penny, we bought a house. i started a new (amazingggggg) job and next month i'll marry someone who i still don't even feel like i deserve to have like i do. it's crazy to feel like you'd never be the person you want to be without someone else. he makes me want to be so much better and yes, i'd live without him, but i like who i am SO much better because of him.

on the 16th of may, we'll go to savannah and settle in for a couple of days. we'll be married on the 18th and spend some time with friends and family before leaving for sanfrancisco on tuesday the 20th. we'll arrive home on the 25th of may - the same day we moved into this house 1 year ago.

24 was a sad, hard year.
25 was full of events, but with the most horrible job i've ever had in my life.
26 will turn spring into a good thing again.

hope everybody's doing well.
love, melissa.

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perfect strangers [23 Feb 2008|01:28am]
[ mood | good ]

after doing nothing for the last week other than watching the Perfect Strangers season 1 and 2 box set, i am happy to have found something on youtube satisfactory in celebrating my lack of accomplishments.

just kidding about the lack of accomplishments. i was offered a job this week as a communications specialist. writing internal and external communications, designing all of their banners/flyers/etc., photography and videography and post-production. finalllyyyy....

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may 18 [30 Jan 2008|07:16pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]

i made the phonecalls and sent in the paperwork today to secure our wedding spot and the officiate for may 18th in savannah.

i can't believe that we've been engaged now for a year and 5 months and i just couldn't bring myself to decide what i wanted, make it solid, and go through with it. maybe i was scared of losing a piece of my youth or something? that is so ridiculous. with or without the title of marriage, we have bought a house together and we are unbelievably in love. we've been together now for 5 years come june. what in the world could i possibly be scared of other than not having him next to me to help me with everything for the rest of my life?

so, we'll be in savannah for 4 days and then san fransisco for 5 days. our immediate family will be there and it will be small and not too much hype, but rememberable. i wish i hadn't panicked about this for the last year and a half and just buckled down to do it. it's the right time, though. i've learned so much about myself and our relationship in that year and a half that has made me so certain of what i'm doing. i'm not scared anymore or hesitant about being MARRIED. married. it still sounds so weird, but once the weirdness goes away it'll be just how it is now only we'll have a piece of paper.

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bob nanna [30 Sep 2007|02:26pm]
so, bob nanna from braid has lymphoma as of early 2006 and has been undergoing chemo? yah.

i was reading his blog today.. thought this was cute:
"What does that title mean? You'll never guess. I was in consideration to be a "coach" for an episode of that MTV show Made. A young man would like to be a rockstar. I had to laugh. They don't want me for this! I was never a rockstar nor will I ever be a rockstar as this kid wants to be a rockstar. I'm assuming this young man isn't interested in playing basements and touring/breaking down in vans from here to Albuquerque, so I would be horribly miscast. They need a coach who can help him with his makeup and his stage moves and his video presence. I can maybe help him learn to sing but shit, do you even have to know that to be a rockstar? Nope. So I said thanks but no thanks. They went with the singer of Yellowcard, which is a much better choice. Makes for better TV."

he has no idea i almost married him.
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7 days with Penny [28 Jun 2007|09:02pm]
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PENNY LANE! [23 Jun 2007|05:18pm]
[ mood | happy ]

we welcomed a new baby into our home last night!!

this is penny lane. she's really just being called penny, but it's pretty cute singing to her while she's trying to go to sleep all alone in her kennel. the cats aren't wild about it yet (bijou hissed for maybe the second time in her life. then a third time, fourth time, fifth time, etc.) atreyu's just dealing with it like he doesn't care, as usual. so long as he gets loved, he's fine with anything. penny's had a bath now and she's not even peeing all over the place like i thought she would. she's been holding it and yelping when she wants to go outside and then she gets the business over with and wants to go play inside again. she has the cutest personality, too. best part about it? her grandpa's name (in the lineage we received) is SLICK SLOCUM BE GOOD. why do people name their dogs ridiculous names like slick slocum be good? we're thinking of a ridiculous show dog name like that, but the best we can come up with so far is Snoremaster Penny Lane Clean Machine... you know... like the song. too bad her mom and dad were given redneck names and were named after cheap beer... anyway.

company in town tonight from north carolina. steven's friend ted and his girlfriend, annie, on their way to los angeles.

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Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes...Collapse )

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we lost our baby... [08 Apr 2007|10:12am]
[ mood | depressed ]

we had to put my baby to sleep yesterday morning. it was the hardest day of my life and i don't know how much harder today will be.

friday afternoon, bastian attacked my mom's face for no reason. he was just laying there, asleep, and he screamed and started clawing and attacking her face. if she hadn't had her glasses on, he would have gone straight for her eyes. blood was everywhere and he jumped down and sunk to his belly and knew what he'd done. i know how sad he's always been... how malcontent over everything, how anxious and scared... it just got to a point where he couldn't control it anymore.

i will forver be thankful to this cat for saving my life. he was the first pet i ever had and he gave me something that relied on me and trusted me during a point in my life where i was living for nothing. i knew that because he was so difficult, his life wouldn't go on without me in it. i lived for him for so long... until i met steven and found that same comfort with him. bastian was so angry and sad all of the time... so desperate for love - always seeking it out and trying to make friends and feeling so empty when he couldn't ever make anything feel quite right. his health was suffering because of it and the doctors were saying that they were afraid to treat him because of the stress it was causing him and the physical harm it put them in the way of. he was unpredictable and even though i feel like we had to do this... because i'm sure we couldn't have just waited for it to happen again... if you know me, you know that this was my baby. he made me selfless and i would soften up just thinking about how i could make his life a little easier.

i know it was a cat... but it wasn't, i promise. he knew me. he knew when i was crying and when i was sad and you could see how hard he'd try to make it better. i just couldn't communicate with him... i couldn't do what he needed to make it better. anti-depressants did nothing but make him extremely overweight and he'd still walk around the house crying all through the night.

i think he died within days, whichever way, of his 8th birthday. in may, i would have had him for 8 years. i have loved him unconditionally all that time, looked forward to seeing his little face at the top of the stairs when i got home at night, tolerated him sucking on my shirt because he was anxious and lonely and was weaned too early and just needed to feel eupohoric for a minute and knew him like no one else could. he was truly my child and i feel so torn feeling like i chose when to take his life away... what right was that of mine? i feel so guilty and miss him so much. i keep thinking i see him and i reach over to pet atreyu and think it's him until i feel the difference. i keep thinking i hear him.

he's buried at my parents house... i know we did the most humane thing we could have done but it's tearing me up inside. that cat loved me when no one else in the world felt right to me. he gave me something to look forward to, someone to talk to, someone to trust.... and he loved me unconditionally - no matter how few friends i had, what horrible phase i went through, no matter what city i moved to or what boyfriend i'd had (or lost)... he was the best constant in my life for so long. and i will forever miss and love him.

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march/april 1999-april 7, 2007

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a full family. [11 Feb 2007|08:16pm]
[ mood | calm ]

my sister just called to say she's engaged. he proposed on a hot air balloon.

i was on the phone and she tried beeping in 3 times and i knew exactly why she was calling. i hung up the phone and thought about how i had to muster some sort of excitement in my voice and then when i heard her and i heard how genuinely excited she was, and because of how cool and calm and collected she is, she was trying to sound normal and together... but she kept letting elation slip through... and she said "i'm finally going to have a complete family and i only had to wait 13 years..."

maddie is going to be 13 this year... she's really been alone all this time - raising a child by herself after we left atlanta, going at it alone...

and it's like, no matter how much i'm not wild about this guy and i have my reservations, she said that she felt like she could finally breathe because it's certain now.

i'm just happy to know that i can still cry out of happiness for somebody else even when it doesn't fit the agenda that i had planned for them. she said she feels so calm - not confused, not scared, not anxious... just sure and calm. i know that's what it will be like for me once i mature and grow into this a little bit more inside myself.

i'm just so happy for her.

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re: how can you honestly say that you're content with me? [08 Jan 2007|07:43pm]
[ mood | drained ]

so, this is where i was a little less than 4 years ago...

how can you honestly say that you're content with me? [16 Mar 2003|02:48am]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | engine down: intent to pacify... ]
i'm so sleeeeepy.
when i was sitting at the top of her stairs, it felt like i was there for such a long time. i looked at the picture of her on the swing when she was little - roaring like a tiger, her eyes electric, her hair in a mass of movement behind her. i thought about if she'd been sad even then, if that swing was an escape, if that roar was from laughter or suffocation.

i noticed the sides of the carpet on the stairs where they met the wall ... how some pieces were jagged, spaced before they touched the wall. i took deep breaths. i listened to her mom watching comedy central in the living room. i thought about how the bottom of my shirt wasn't touching the top of my pants and how i could feel the air on my back.

i thought about the lighting in her room. the dampness. the walls closing in. the bed unmade. the paper and pictures and books and clothing scattered on the floor. i thought of him in there, suffocated by those things but by her most of all.
sam = drunk
brian = drunk
lee = drunk
charlie = says he wasn't drunk
me = wishing i'd joined the club.
so, when lee is drunk he has the sniffles. he lays on floors, he talks for minutes upon minutes about desserts - not deserts. vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, strawberries, strawberry shortcake, and root beer. "what, you're not in the mood for dessert?" "you're drunk." "well, if i weren't drunk, and you were in the mood for dessert, i'd buy you dessert." he is drunk and he likes lionel ritchie's "say you, say me" and the only smile i gave tonite was over hearing those four words belted out by a boy who's usually too shy to tell me much of anything at all. the thought alone was good enough ... execution (death by lionel ritchie?) of the idea of singing the only 4 words of the song he knew made me feel a lot better. broke the tension of the night. made me smile. stopped my crying.
someone search around the internet and find me friends in syracuse before i move there.

i had spent the night sitting at the top of the stairs of a girl who honestly hated me at that time... and i can remember, even though i knew she and i shouldn't be friends... that i genuinely cared if she was okay. i wanted her to want to live even though i didn't want to be in her life. a month later i met bobby and then steven. i can't believe how important they both became so fast.

the other night i was on my stomach on the bed with my face buried in the pillow crying... and i realized that i still had the ability to cry 100% for another person. i regret a lot of things and i don't feel like i'm really living my life to it's fullest. but i know what life is. i know what it's capable of. i make small steps every single day to like myself a little bit better.

when i wrote that entry, i had no idea what was waiting for me in syracuse. i didn't know that i'd meet my future - husband, best friend, comfort, loss of a best friend (mary). i didn't realize i'd be full-circle 4 years later... wondering why every single best friend i've ever had hates their life. i know i'm not in control of anyone around me. i can't make everything better or solve any problems. i'm my mom re-created and i both love and hate that so much sometimes... but i'm never going to hate the fact that i still have the ability to feel more for other people just as much as i feel for myself.

i remember a couple of weeks before i moved to syracuse... sitting in mary's car with her after she came into starbucks all blotchy and tear-stained and in a panic. she sat there saying she couldn't do it... not just moving, not just school... but life in general. i feel now like she was so close to just spilling her entire past. i found all of that out just this year through email. now that she's been featured in a book and documentary that i don't feel are 100% truth. her past is unimaginable. and there i was, her friend, completely unknowing... she was the most "normal" friend i'd ever had on the outside. it just goes to show everybody's got it a little worse than everybody else.

i just can't believe i'm sitting here.... almost 25.... embarrassed about how cliche my writing was 4 years ago, weirded out about how much it still is today... and with no clue about where my life is going and who my friends are. i thought i'd have it figured out by now, but i just feel blank over the whole thing and for thinking that 4 years later, something would have changed.

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the accidental emails (i am not complaining) [07 Dec 2006|11:00pm]
[ mood | energetic ]

the email below is from the "stroud" family from ... i think... NY/NC/MD. please take in mind that i am not related to these people... and i'm not sure how they got my email address... except there seems to be a melissa stroud in their family and it looks like they tried both "melissastroud@gmail.com" as well as "melissa.stroud@gmail.com" just to cover their bases.

thank goodness they did!!!! because of this caution, i'm included on all of their family emails and they're GOLDEN. my favorite passages below include things such as "Some ideas so far include celebrating communion together, a birthday
party for Jesus complete with cake and pinata, and a Nativity re-
enactment (costumes optional)." as well as...
" The Renee Team would like to serve
breakfast Saturday morning at 8:27am and leave at 10:02am. These
times are approximate."

during christmastime... i would like to thank god for this little gift below:

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas! Inbox
Renee Johnson
<nee-nee5@juno.com> to cca13, jstroup, allenj79, me, melissa.stroud, amydstroud, krissylizard29, bigandrew45
More options 3:19 pm (6 hours ago)
Hello little family,

This is attempt #2 for this email. I had it all written a few days
ago, tried to send it and it went to email heaven. Such fun.
Anyway. Some have mentioned that we need to start "talking"
collectively about the vacation of the century (ie North Carolina) so
I thought I'd get the ball rolling.

Here are some items for discussion:

1) Christmas Eve and Christmas Day: What would make these times
significant to YOU? What would YOU enjoy doing? What are YOUR
expectations for these times?
Some ideas so far include celebrating communion together, a birthday
party for Jesus complete with cake and pinata, and a Nativity re-
enactment (costumes optional). More ideas and thoughts, please!

2) Meals: We have previously discussed either each couple (if
applicable) or woman being responsible for one evening meal during
the week. From what I've heard so far, that is still agreeable to
all and a schedule for that has been requested. So far it looks
something like this:
Saturday (arrival night): something simple....sandwiches? pizza?
Sunday: Renee Team
Monday (Christmas Day): Mom Team heading up ham dinner with every
team making a dish
Tuesday: Melissa Team
Wednesday: Amy Team
Thursday: Kristin Team
Friday: Man Team
The thoughts and suggestions so far have indicated that most would
like to make eating the evening supper meal together a priority.
Breakfast and lunch would be feed yourself, clean up after yourself
Any other ideas/suggestions are more than welcome. The Renee Team is
planning to take as much non-perishable food as possible and buy
perishable items at NC grocery store. Remember as you plan that
Sunday and Monday are both holidays and most stores will be closed or
have limited hours.

3) Entertainment: Do we want a plan for evening activities (hey,
like camp!) or do we want to play it by ear? Several have expressed
desires that we have movie activities AND non-movie activities during
our time together. We want to do both. Do we want to take our own
movies and games or live with what is already there?

4) Transportation: This is largely a NY team issue but somewhat
affects the MD team. Guest room #1 is reserved for Mom and Dad for
Friday night (12/22) and Saturday night (12/30). Amy and Jason and
Renee and Brian will be hosting the rest of the NY team with Kristin
and Melissa camping out in Stroup's living room and Andrew and Tim
camping out in Johnson's living room.
Mapquest puts Lanham 230 miles and five hours from Duck, NC. We can
get the house key at 4:30. The Renee Team would like to serve
breakfast Saturday morning at 8:27am and leave at 10:02am. These
times are approximate. The Johnson red van and Stroup blue car will
be traveling from Lanham with room for an additional four
passengers. However, no room will be available in either of those
vehicles for additional luggage.

Ok, I think that's all I have for now.....or at least all I can
remember from the other day. NY kids, please make sure Mom and Dad
have a copy of these emails.
Please hit "reply to all" when you respond to any emails so we can
all know what you're thinking and saying!

Happy group talking.
Love you all,

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[30 Oct 2006|07:35pm]
[ mood | good ]

i'm spending tonight catching up on recorded tv shows. and feeling a little lonely?

everything has come to a close. i accepted the new job and everything is set up to start on the 13th. new job, new office, old boss.

i'm happy.

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silk [26 Oct 2006|02:25am]
[ mood | nervous ]

...finished reading alessandro baricco's "silk" tonight - it only took a little over an hour. big story in such a little book.

"Herve Joncour continued to look at it, as though there stood nothing else between here and the horizon. Thus he saw,
the sky above the palace spotted with thousands of birds in flight, as though they had exploded from the earth, birds of every kind, flying all over the place in frantic terror, singing and crying, an explosive fireworks of wings, clouds of colour shot against the light, sounds of terror, music in flight, fleeing through the sky."

"He would cover sheet after sheet with strange sketches looking like machines. One evening Helene asked him:
'What are they?'
'It's an aviary.'
'An aviary?'
'What for?'
Herve Joncour kept his eyes on the sketches.
'You fill it up with birds, as many as you can, then one day when something good happens to you, you throw it open and watch them fly away."

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what's new pussycat? [22 Oct 2006|10:39pm]
[ mood | good ]

saw mary antoinette tonight and i LOVED it. i usually hate period-piece movies, but this one was way different. i knew it would be beautiful. steven didn't like it but OH WELL!

the weekend is over. i can't even remember what i did friday night but on saturday i went hunting for books by alessandro baricco (wrote the book that the movie "the legend of 1900" was based on) and only found one. then met up with lacey for sake/sushi/miss pauRine and then drove around and went to the lamplighter and played footloose and what's new pussycat and these eyes and crazy on the jukebox. then we went to backstreet a little early and danced around and then come 12:30 we danced like fools for a longgg time. out on that dancefloor was the most ridiculous fun i've had in a long time.

haven't heard from bobby in a week. having him in town made me want to make the effort to meet more people and get out of the house more often. i looked into the memphis chapter of food not bombs today and am really considering it. met a girl on myspace who lives here and likes similar music and is crafty and has recently gotten married and am supposed to hang out with her sometime soon. we'll see. at least having him in town last week lit a fire that made me want to actually be around people again.

this sunday is a far departure from how i was feeling last sunday. what a difference a week makes.

ok and after reading this selection of "what's new pussycat," (tom jones) i will probably never dance to this song ever again:
Pussycat, Pussycat
You're delicious
And if my wishes
Can all come true
I'll soon be kissing your sweet little pussycat lips!
Pussycat, Pussycat
I love you
Yes, I do!
You and your pussycat lips!
You and your pussycat eyes!
You and your pussycat nose!


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Like I don't know Billy Ocean from the ocean floor. I don't own any albums, I don't know anything. [18 Oct 2006|01:54am]
[ mood | okay ]

i'm forever being totally ridiculous. it's absurd to sit back and just watch yourself doing it.

things are so back to normal and it only took a couple of days at work to ground me and bring me back to reality. who knew vacations could be so destructive? i won't say i'm ungrateful for it, but i'm equally grateful to be back to life, as boring as it is. i'd forgotten what it felt like to just relax and breathe and feel what normal feels like. this is the first relief i've felt in days. saturday was HORRIBLE. sunday was bad, monday felt sad... today feels... i don't know. today feels more like i'm living.

i've realized, mostly thanks to a few sentences that zac/remy said last night ("maybe for kids like us who spent a huge chunk of our youth finding our way through life through the rubric of punk rock and defiance and self-reliance and relying on strong, but fluid friendships... maybe we're not wired for the kind of relationships that make strong long-term marriages and stuff.") that i think what's really happening inside my head is that i'm so used to experiencing things as a group of people... a unit of friends, togetherness in everything. given, steven and i have been our own little unit for some time now - seperated from best friends and family. i think maybe, though, that because no one else in our lives are going through 9-5 and engagement and marriage and a set path, i'm terrified to go at it alone. i want to still feel like a pack - all of us going through things together. i want everyone to live within streets of each other - still private but close enough to run over to in the middle of the night. i know i can't expect that... but i don't want to be the first to jump into this. i guess it's still what zac said - it's our youth that structures the way that we see the rest of our lives.

i have realized, though, how glad i am that i chronicled the past few years of my life, which has caused me to want to keep doing it here. it helps out a lot to read back over what's already happened. i'm going to keep doing it.

when it really comes down to it, though, the past few weeks deserve a big whoooo caresssss. who cares? i'm dramatic. some parts of the past few weeks have been amazing. other parts have felt like my heart was breaking, but life isn't over. no doubt about that.

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[14 Oct 2006|05:17pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

took a necessary step back today into becoming "unengaged."

sounds more severe than it is. really, it was just necessary to feeling like ourselves again. i'm afraid this was rushed into - regardless of a 3.5 year dating period.

i found myself acting like an asshole to everyone i love, stressing every minute of the day, panicking for absolutely no reason... all over the title of being someone's wife.

it didn't fit me for now. someday it will, but not now.

i'm sad and a little disoriented - half from this and half from bobby leaving this morning. we'd gone a year without seeing each other but talking nearly every day - then one week around my best friend makes me wish that life would always have him in it, in person. so - overall a scary day. no more scary than how things had been feeling, though.

i just needed to step back and breathe again and feel like me insead of something else that just didn't feel right. i hate telling people that this has happened, but it has. i'm not sure what my problem is but i know something is wrong when the idea of committing to the most perfect person in the entire world scares me so much. i've obviously got some things to work past but i didn't want to work through them and leave him hanging all that time. i've got to handle this one on my own and not take a huge step until i've got it all sorted out.

i thought i'd feel more like myself once this was over but i feel horrible right now. here's hoping that the next week back to routine will make things feel less terrible.

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